Every religion and culture on the planet has a different kind of healer or doctor. Pseudo healers claim to be able perform miracles using carefully chosen herbs or inexplicably diluted extracts. Witch doctors and Sangomas who can increase the length of your male appendage, help you win the lotto, or bring back lost lovers—all at a fee, of course. Western medicine tends to trust medically-trained doctors who use science-based medicine to treat ailments, break bones, or fight international pandemics in full protection gear.
Modern medicine has allowed us to live longer than our forefathers. Some medical treatments may not be as effective as others. Here are 10 medical treatments that you won’t need (applied by doctors who are trained in medicine).
10 Nose Jobs
Let’s start off with an easily avoidable one—the simple nose job. Because we are visual creatures, our eyes are drawn to beautiful lines and features. However, there aren’t many noses that are misformed enough to warrant putting them through the process of rhinoplasty.
The procedure begins with a good dose of sedation. A trained professional then places a chisel at the top of your nose. Then they violently hack at it with a mallet until the desired shape is achieved—either by removing cartilage in your nose or by inserting cartilage or bone removed from elsewhere in your body. If you drive by a construction site again, stop and listen to the clang of the hammers on the steel and concrete and then consider whether it’s worth it.
9 Open Eye Surgery
Nothing is allowed near my eyes. Just thinking about the things I’m about to write, I can feel my soul watering. As you would expect, eye surgery is performed with your eyes open. I repeat—open eye surgery requires your eyes to be open while they cut and burn your corneas and iris using nothing but a local anesthetic. As a recent eye surgery patient—detached retina surgery—noted, “It’s strange—you know your eye is open, and the doctor is working in there with sharp objects. You can hear the scraping or whatever they’re doing, but you can’t feel or see it.”
Your eyeballs do not have pain receptors, which helps, but the feeling of something scraping at your lenses and then cutting into it like grapes are enough to leave any person thinking—should I just go blind instead?
8 Natural Childbirth
Let’s get something straight, I am an advocate for a natural birth if advised by your medical practitioner. What people don’t realize about natural childbirth is the possibility of your vagina being torn by a human wrecking ball. The doctor will be more inclined to insinuate even if you have a natural birth.
The doctor may perform an episiotomy to reduce the risk of an expected tear. In other words, they would anticipate the point of pressure and cut small slits in the vaginal wall—with scissors—preventing the vagina and anus from becoming one orifice of blood and feces. The second option is to skip the children and go straight to the empty nest phase, which is characterized by happiness, relief, and joy. Adopt a dog instead.
7 Black Mamba Venom Treatment
There are many things that can kill you in Africa. In particular, snakes. Black Mambas have the highest ratio of bites to death, and snakes are responsible for approximately 20,000 African deaths each year. If a Black Mamba bites someone, and the wound is not treated, you will surely die. Nearly 100% of the time.
What can doctors do to prevent this? If the hospital has anti-venom on hand, they will administer and monitor. If they don’t have anti-venom in stock, then they will try their best. In some instances of severe envenomation, and where anti-venom isn’t enough (or none available), then they hook you up to life support and let go, hoping that the machines keep your body workingIt will take you long enough to overcome the poison. They will then wake you. If you do wake.
6 Skin Grafts
A skin graft is a procedure that can be used to replace your skin after a close encounter with an open fire or being dragged behind a Roman chariot. A skin graft is where they harvest skin from another part of your body (usually your buttocks, upper leg, or back) and then “plant” it over the affected area. It sounds simple, right? It’s not.
There are many ways to do this. perform a skin graft (i.e., split-thickness, full-thickness, autograft, allograft, xenograft, etc.)—most processes involve harvesting skin from the patient him/herself. A handheld electric human skin peeler called a dematome is used for slicing the top layer off the dermis. After that, the skin is meshed. The meshing is simply the process of removing skin and running it through a machine that creates slits to allow for expansion.
If you’re picturing a human skin net, you’re on the right track. The net is then placed over the wound and stapled onto the body with special surgical staples. There is no guarantee of success, meaning there is a possibility the sliced-off skin, removed from a perfectly healthy part of your body, will simply dry and shrivel…while stapled to your body.
5 Electroconvulsive Treatment
Recent media attention has been given to mental health in popular culture and the media. Depression can have adverse side effects on a person’s general wellbeing. In severe cases, however, medication and therapy can make no difference. Enter Electroconvulsive Treatment (ECT).
ECT is a general anesthesia that involves blasting the brain with shockwaves of electric current to induce seizures. It was developed in Italy in the 1930s. However, psychiatrists knew that seizures could be used to treat certain mental disorders. Before ECT they used chemicals which caused terror episodes in patients before the seizure began.
After losing popularity in the ’60s and ’70s, ECT use increased again in the 1980s, though still considered an extreme treatment to most people. ECT was used in the past without anesthesia. This led to memory impairment, fractured bones, and other small issues that highlight the nature of the process.
4 Transsphenoidal Surgery
The ancients had cleverly discovered that the shortest route to the brain is by climbing up the nose. They weren’t wrong. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure to receive a COVID test (most people, I’m sure) knows what it’s like to feel an unstable hand pushing the tip of a cotton wipe so high up that your head you want a heart attack. It is therefore understandable that doctors have perfected removing tumors through the nose. You heard me.
A nice long endoscope or curette is used to help you find the tumor. They are inserted through your nose, much like the Magic School Bus.
3 Amputation Under Local Anesthesia
We have all heard the horror stories—you go under the knife, and the doctor amputates the wrong leg, or in this particular case, your penis. What they don’t tell you is that sometimes another horror story plays out. A local anesthetic is used if you have a severe baseline and are not suitable for full, dreamy general anesthesia. In other words, it’s a targeted painkiller and can be applied to numb the lower half of your body or one side in particular.
What this means for the poor patient is simple—you cannot feel the pain, but you do, however, notice your body rocking as they saw through your limb, the smell of burned tissue as they seal your blood vessels, and the sound and vibrations of a bone saw making its way through your body. You are merely a spectator at your own amputation, and it’s not just a bad dream.
2 Fecal Transplant
Have you ever thought about having another person’s poop inside you? No? You are normal, congratulations. In rare cases, it may be necessary to restore your health. The feces and intestinal tract of humans contain a large amount of microbes as well as healthy bacteria. Clostridium Difficile colitis (C. diff) is a condition where the body reacts negatively to certain antibiotics.
While the condition can be treated with oral or intravenous antibiotics, severe cases may require a “poop transplant,” officially fecal microbiota transplantation. To restore the balance of “good bacteria,” a sample of healthy feces is delivered (usually via colonoscopy) throughout the colon. In other words, another person’s poop is shot straight into your body.
1 Methanol Poisoning
During the pandemic’s height, many countries had lockdown rules that included curfews, stay at-home orders and alcohol bans. People who depend on wine for their survival were negatively affected by the ban on alcohol. Many people tried to brew their own wine. According to reports from all over the world, methanol poisoning has increased due to failed homebrewing.
Ethanol, which is found in many of your favorite alcoholic beverages such as beer and wine, can be safely consumed if it is used responsibly. Methanol, however is not. Ironically, the only treatment for methanol poisoning is to consume ethanol. You would need vodka or wine to save you life if your homebrew fails. What a cruel game of irony life played on people who consumed methanol for the sole reason there wasn’t alcohol available in the first place. Lucky for you, the hospital should have plenty of the right juice.